The Fun Riform

there are a lot of English spelling reforms. everyone who’s ever been taught how English orthography works is fully aware that it isn’t a very well designed system, so “fixing” English spelling is a fun design challenge. I’ve started and abandoned approximately way too many spelling reforms, and wouldn’t you know it here’s another one. it’s called The Fun Riform!

first, let’s get some things clear about exactly what I’m trying to do here. I don’t have even remotely the same goals as most of the popular spelling reforms. it’s not even really a spelling reform, it’s just a Latin script orthography for English. this is for fun and absolutely nothing else, hence the name. I’m also completely fine with this system having things that are ambiguous, and with there not always being one unique way of writing something. in fact, as a general rule, if you think that you don’t like the way this system suggests you spell something, you are encouraged to spell it another way that you like better.

what I am going for is for it to be intuitive, for it to be simple, and, most importantly, for it to look good. what I’ve ended up with is something I’m confident in saying looks like written language and not like a transcription system. (which is important, because if it looks like a transcription system people might think that it’s supposed to be a transcription system, and it absolutely is not one)

that’s enough of that. how does it work?

the Fun Riform uses six letters with diacritics, listed here for your copy-pasting convenience:

Ââ Êê Îî Ôô Ûû Üü

I don’t think it’s possible for a Latin script orthography for English to both function and look good without using some diacritics. I chose the circumflex and umlaut specifically because those are easily accessible on my phone’s keyboard.

the letters q and x are unused, so if you don’t care about aesthetics as much as I do you could probably get away with using those in some way as replacements for the two diacritics, but I’m not going to recommend a specific way to do that because I don’t want to encourage that kind of behavior.

konsonants

consonants are easy, so let’s start there.

m n ng
p t ch k
b d j g
f th s sh h
v th z zh
w l r y

see? nice and easy. you might notice that there are two things spelled <th> here. I’m doing the classic “just don’t bother” solution to the whole /θ ð/ distinction problem. there’s a few extra context rules to keep track of:

• /ŋ/ is written with <n> before velar stops

• the cluster /hw/ is <wh>

• if a word ends with a voiced fricative, a silent <e> is added after it

the most complicated thing to worry about here is words that end with /s/ and /z/. first is the “-es” suffix. you know, the suffix used for plurals, possessives, third person singular simple present, and contractions with “is”. even if you consider these to all be different suffixes, they’re all pronounced the same way, so this system treats them the same.

any word with the “-es” suffix is spelled the same way it’s spelled without the suffix with either <s> or <es> suffixed to it. <es> is used if the suffix adds a syllable to the word, unless the word already ends with <e>. in all other cases, the suffix is spelled with <s>, regardless of pronunciation.

to avoid confusion, if a word ends with /s/ or /z/ but not the “-es” suffix, there’s specific rules for how to spell it. do note that if a word is common enough (use your own judgement to determine what counts as “common enough”), you’re allowed to not bother and just spell final /s/ or /z/ with <s> regardless of what the following rules suggest. so, you can write is and this instead of iz and thiss.

final /s/ is:

• <s> after voiceless consonants

• <ce> after voiced consonants or long vowels

• <ss> in all other cases, except:

  • final reduced /əs/ and /ɪs/ are <us> and <is>

final /z/ is:

• <s> after voiced consonants

• <se> after voiceless consonants or long vowels

• <z> in all other cases

vowels

vowels are harder than consonants. remember, it’s okay to “misspell” a word in this system if you think following these rules to the letter results in something you don’t like!

short vowels

the “short vowels” /æ ɛ ɪ ɒ ʌ/ are <a e i o u>, exactly what you’d expect “short” a, e, i, o, and u to be used for. <u> is not used in general for /ə/, even if you pronounce /ʌ/ and /ə/ the same way. you also shouldn’t use <o> for /ɑː/ or /ɔː/ in contexts where <o> is assumed to be a long vowel.

oh, there’s also <ü> for /ʊ/, as in bük (book). that’s a short vowel too.

long vowels

this category contains some long vowels and some diphthongs, and there’s some phonemes you’re likely to pronounce as long vowels or diphthongs that aren’t in this category. it actually does matter what counts as a “long vowel”, because the rules for how to write word final /s/ and /z/ depend on it.

four “long vowels” are written with circumflexes: <â î ô û> for /ɑː iː oʊ uː/, as in fâther (father), flîce (fleece), gôt (goat), and gûce (goose). this circumflex (or “hat”) diacritic is removed if the vowel doesn’t appear before a consonant.

another six “long vowels” are written with digraphs: <ai au ei eu oi ou> for /aɪ ɔː eɪ juː ɔɪ aʊ/, as in praice (price), thaut (thought), feice (face), keut (cute), choice (choice), and mouth (mouth). when these long vowels aren’t before consonants, the <u> or <i> becomes <w> or <y>. as a special case, the long vowel /juː/ is only considered one vowel when it appears after a consonant. if it doesn’t come after a consonant, it’s written as its components, /j/ and /uː/, ie. <yû> or <yu> instead of <eu> or <ew>.

rôtik vowels

“rhotic vowels” are considered to not be single sounds in this system, but rather vowels followed by /ɹ/. nonetheless, they still follow special rules. <ar er ir or ur> are pronounced /ɑːɹ ɜːɹ ɪɹ ɔːɹ ʊɹ/, as in start (start), nerce (nurse), nir (near), north (north), pur (poor). <êr> is used for /ɛɹ/ as in skwêr (square). other vowels followed by /ɹ/ can generally be written the same way they would be without /ɹ/, just with <r> after them, so <air our ôr eur> and so on are all pronounced how you’d expect.

if a vowel appears before /ɹ/ and it’s pronounced literally as that vowel followed by /ɹ/ and not what the Vr digraph is, the <r> is doubled, so eg. /æɹ/ is <arr>.

here’s a summary of how the non-reduced vowels are generally written.

ridûst vowels

in general, reduced vowels are written how they’d be pronounced if they weren’t reduced, but without the circumflex if there would be one. if it’s unclear how it would be pronounced, reduced /ə ɚ i u/ are written <a er i u> by default.

this rule means that /ə/ is written basically however you want. whatever you think makes the most sense for a given word is the correct spelling.

the exception to this is the “happy” lexical set, word final reduced /i/. this is always written with <y>. if you want, you can interpret this as applying to all word final unstressed /iː/ (but not if the /iː/ is the only vowel in the word).

uther rûls

no rules in this system are always required to be followed. it is always acceptable to “misspell” a word if you think a different spelling makes more sense. in fact, if a spelling looks wrong to you that means it is wrong, and you should spell it a different way. you’re allowed to add a silent <e> to the end of any word if you think there should be one, or double any consonants you think would look better doubled.

for common words (and decide for yourself exactly which common words) you’re free to just keep the standard spelling if a respelling would make them too unrecognizable. personally, I spell “the”, “of”, and “was” irregularly. you can also use the standard spelling of any proper name, or any word where the spelling matters more than the pronunciation (such as an acronym). if you want, you can put a non-respelled word in italics to indicate that it’s not using the same system as the rest of the text, but only if you think it’s necessary.

egzampels

none of the following examples should be considered definitive sources on how any individual word “should” be spelled in this system. this is just to provide a general feel for how the system can look in use.

The North Wind and the Sun

The North Wind and the Sun wer dispeuting which was the stronger when a travler keim along rapt in a worm klôk. They agrîd that the wun hu ferst suksîded in meiking the travler teik his klôk auf shüd bi konsiderd stronger than the uther. Then the North Wind blu as hard as hi küd, but the mor hi blu the mor klôsly did the travler fôld his klôk around him; and at last the North Wind geive up the atempt. Then the Sun shaind out wormly, and imîdiatly the travler tük auf his klôk. And so the North Wind was oblaijd tu konfess that the Sun was the stronger of the tu.

Nu reidio shos?

Yu have got tu bi about the môst sûperfishal komenteiter on con-langues since the idiotik B. Gilson.
Did ay miss the wun wêr yu sed wich konlang yor fluent in and rîd at lîst thri taims a wîk and kan rîd nu büks in evry wîk of îven wun yir or lisen tu reidio shos in evry wîk?   Nu reidio shos?

Yea, aim serpraizd yu dônt no that thêr ar reidio shos püt out in Esperânto evry wîk.   Ay thaut yu wer supôzd tu bi an ekspert.
And, wich of the konlangs ar yu fluent in?

Ay supôse yu think thats keut.   Wut it meiks yu is a fraud.

Âtikel Wun of the Yûniversal Deklareishon of Heuman Raits (Risîvd Pronunsieishon)

Aul heuman biings a baun fri and îkwal in dignity and raits. They a endoud with rîzon and konshence and shüd akt tuauds wun anutha in a spirit of bruthahüd.

The Keyoss

Direst krîchur in Krieishon,
Studiing Inglish pronunsieishon,
Ay wil tîch yu in may verce
Sounds laik korps, kor, horce and werce.
It wil kîp yu, Sûzy, bizy,
Meik yor hed with hît gro dizy;
Tir in ay yor dress yûl têr.
So shal ay! O, hir may prêr,
Prey, konsôl yor luving poet,
Meik may kôt lük new, dir, so it?
Just kompêr hart, bird and herd,
Days and dayet, lord and werd,
Sord and sword, ritein and Britin,
(Maind the later, how its riten!)
Meid has not the sound of beid¹,
⁠ Sey—sed, pey—peid, leid, but plad.
Now ay shurly wil not pleig yu
With such werds as veig and eigew,
But bi kêrful how yu spîk,
Sey breik, steik, but blîk and strîk,
Prîvius, preshus; feusha, vaya;
Paip, snaip, resipi and kwair²,
⁠ Klôven, uven; how and lo;
Skript, risît; shu, poem, to,
Hir mi sey, divoid of trikery:
Dauter, lafter and Terpsikory,
Taifoid; mîzels, topsels, ails;
Egzails, similys, rivails;
Hôly, holy; signal, saining;
Tems; egzamining, kombaining;
Skolar, vikar and sigar,
Sôlar, maika, wor and far.
Frum "dezair": dezairabel—admerabel from "admair";
Lumber, plumer; bir but brayer;
Chatam, bruam; rinoun but nôn,
Nolej; dun, but gaun and tôn,
Wun, anemony; Balmorral;
Kichen, laiken; laundry, lorrel;
Gertrûd, Jerman; wind and maind;
Sîn, Melpomeny, mankaind;
Tortis, terkwoise, shamwa-lether,
Rîding, Reding, hîthen, hether.
This fonetik laberinth
Gives moss, grôce, brük, brôch, nainth, plinth.
Bilet dus not end laik baley;
Bûkey, wolet, malet, shaley;
Blud and flud are not like fûd,
Nor is môld like shüd and wüd³.
Bankwet is not nirly parkey,
Which is sed to raim with "darky"⁴.
⁠ Viskus, vaikount; lôd and braud;
Tuord, tu forwerd, tu riword⁵,
And yor pronunsieishons ôkey
When yu sey korektly krôkey;
Rounded, wûnded; grîve and sive;
Frend and fînd; alaive and live;
Liberty, laibrêry; hîve and heven;
Reichel, eik, mustash; eleven.
Wi sey halôd, but aloud;
Pîpel, lepard; tôd, but voud
Mark the diference, morôver,
Bitwîn mûver, pluver, Dôver,
Lîches, brîches; waise, prisaice;
Chalis but polîce and laice.
Kamel; konstabel, unsteibel;
Prinsipel, disaipel; leibel;
Petal, pînal and kanal;
Weit, surmaise, plat, promis; pal.
Sût, swît, ruin, serkit, kondewit
Raim with "sherk it" and "biond it"⁶,
But it is not hard to tel,
Whay its paul, maul, but Pal Mal.
Musel, muskeular; jeil; airn;
Timber, klaimer; bülyon, layon⁷,
Werm and storm; sheise, keyoss, chêr;
Senator, spekteitor, mêr.
Aivy, privy; feimus, klamer
And inamer raim with "hamer."
River, raival; tûm, bom, kôm;
Dol and rôl and sum and hôm.
Streinjer dus not raim with anger,
Nîther dus divour with clangor.
Sôl, but foul and gaunt, but ant;
Font, frunt, wônt; wunt, grand, and, grant,
Shus, gos, dus. Now ferst sey: finger⁸,
And then: singer, jinjer, linger.
Rîl, zîl; mauve, gause and geij;
Mêrij, fôliij, mirâzhe, eij.
Kwiry dus not raim with vêry,
Nor dus feury sound laik bêry.
Dust, lost, pôst and duth, kloth, lôth;
Job, Jôb, blosom, büzom, ôth.
Tho the diference sîms litel,
Wi sey akchewal, but vitel,
Sît, swet, cheist, kast; Li, eit, hait;
Püt, nut; granit, but yunait.
Rîfer dus not raim with "defer,"
Fefer dus, and zefer, hefer.
Dul, bül; Jefry, Jorj; eit, leit;
Hint, paint; senat, but sedeit;
Sînik, Êrabik, pasifik;
Sayence, konshence, sayentifik;
Tur, but our, and sukor, for;
Gass, alass and Arkansaw⁹!
Si, aidia, giny, êria,
Sâm; Maria, but malêria;
Yûth, south, suthern; klens and klîn;
Doktrin, terpentain, marîn.
Kompêr eilien with Italian,
Dandelayon with batalion,
Saly with alay; yea, yi,
Ay, ay, ay, ay, whey, ki, ki!
Sey aver, but ever, fîver,
Nîther, lîzhur, skein, risîver.
Never gess—it is not seif;
Wi sey kaves, valves, haf, but Ralf¹⁰!
Hêron; granary, kanêry;
Krevis, and devaice, and êry;
Feice but prefis, but efeice,
Flem, flegmatik; ass, glass, beice;
Larj, but target, jin, give, verjing;
Aut, out, joust and skour, but skerjing;
Ir, but ern; and wêr and têr
Du not raim with "hir", but "êr".
Seven is rait, but so is îven;
Haifen, rufen, nefew, Stîven;
Munky, donky; klerk and jerk;
Asp, grasp, wosp; and kork and werk.
Pronunsieishon—think of saiky!—
Is a peiling, stout and spaiky;
Wônt it meik yu lûse yor wits,
Raiting "groats" and saying grôts¹¹?
Its a dark abiss or tunel,
Strûn with stôns, laik rulok, gunal,
Izlington and Ail of Wait,
Huzif, verdikt and indait!
Dônt yu think so, rîder, rather,
Seying lather, beither, fâther¹²?
⁠Fainaly: which raims with "inuf,"
Tho, thru, plow, kof, hok, or tuf?
Hikup has the sound of "kup"......
May advaice is—give it up!

¹“made” does, in fact, have the sound of “bade”. some people say “bade” like bad though!

²“via” and “choir” only rhyme in non-rhotic English. if YOU say them in a way that rhymes you could spell them like vair and kwair accordingly.

³for this to rhyme, Gerald is either pronouncing “would” as wûd or “food” as füd.

⁴is it? the word in question is “parquet”.

⁵another non-rhotic-exclusive rhyme: “broad” and “reward”. the rhyme-preserving respelling for these would be braud and riwaud I think.

⁶some people say “conduit” like kondit! apparently!

⁷this rhyming pair is “iron” and “lion”, or, I guess, airn and lairn.

⁸this is one of the few bits that’s still ambiguous in the Fun Riform.

⁹Gerald rhyming “four” with “Arkansas” here, another rhyme that only works in non-rhotic English (faw and Arkansaw).

¹⁰assuming this rhymes, Gerald says “Ralf” like Reif. no idea what that’s about!

¹¹I for one am fine with writing “groats” and saying grôts, given that it’s a word pronounced in a pretty straightforward way. maybe it’s “wits” that Gerald says weird!

¹²surprised the BATH lexical set hasn’t mattered for rhymes up to this point. with RP pronunciation these are râther and fâther.